im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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