Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and she was petting her beer can
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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