I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
