I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
mondays should just be called national damage control day
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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