Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
