when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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