the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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