i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
