I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize