we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
