It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
