I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
