Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
