Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
