he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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