Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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