well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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