My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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