theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
