I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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