I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
