did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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