Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
