420 ftw
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
