Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm just crazy horny about you
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
