i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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