I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
