so that wasnt chicken after all
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize