dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
