I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
