My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
