Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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