yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
