I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
