I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
