Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
