all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
