I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
