i think i have two assholes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
