Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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