I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
