If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
