I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
