don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it's like iHOP with fire
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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