Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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