Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
