so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize