Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I intend to get homeless drunk
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
