How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
