my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I FOUND THE LEGS
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
