I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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