i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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