mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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