I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
