Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
