3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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