Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
