im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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