I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my poor anus
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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