I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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