Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
