Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
