So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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