Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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