Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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