a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
