I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
